Corporate katha

I have been working for last 15 years and few months now. That is more than one and half decade worth of experience. Just 15 weeks into first job and I knew there and then that I'm not cutout for this environment. It has been a long journey in these last 15 years with lots of ups and downs and I had my fair share of bittersweet experiences which shaped me.
Across the companies that I have worked with different products, different customers and different scale of operation. One thing that is common is the corporate culture or the absence of it. I dont want to sound bitter but in all the companies that I have worked its rare to find honest, fair people climbing up the ladder. In my 15 years of experience (and still counting). I have seen people plotting and scheming, trying to pull others down and saving their position. You can literally smell the insecurity and distrust in the air.
This is my attempt to recount the experiences, anecdotes and learning in corporate environment. My interactions with close friends tell me that my company is not unique by any stretch of imagination in this regard. Everyone its the same situation. The term leadership. Ownership exists only on the papers or more precisely on the white board in conference rooms and speech drafts of higher management. But not on the ground zero.
During one of the brain fade moment some time back, I had decided that I will write a book based on my corporate experience. One because most of my working, active life is spent in the office only and all the related experiences are based on the same.
And secondly it has been my unfulfilled agenda for many years to write a book. The office environment offers enough material to fill many books. Probably I will be extremely biased and prejudiced in penning down these memories as nobody can see their flaws in the mirror and I'm no exception. But in my defence I never claimed to be a very successful or very deserving candidate. If at all, I have been accused of underestimating myself and having lack of confidence.

PS : Off-late I feel bouts of loneliness in office even though I'm constantly surrounded by people. I'm constantly reaching out to my ex colleagues and friends but everyone is busy with their lives. It feels very depressing when you don't find any channel to vent out our frustration and anger. And hence the mind remains clouded with these feelings and not able to think straight.
Putting your thoughts on paper help me to calm down. Looking rationally at those events will give insight to help in future.

PPS : Just had a call from office (well technically not from my office but from Sales office in Singapore which is internal customer to me. That too on Sunday. Reminding me again why its absolutely imperative to keep these Job related stress at bay and ensure that it does not go to your head.

Chapter 1 draft 1

The children were all excited today. With their typical exuberance and restlessness,  they have even swayed some adults with them in openly discussing and gossiping about what is going to happen at town square today.  Rest of adults were going with their mundane lives as usual while being inwardly excited about the grand event.
It was probably the least productive day in the history,  without considering the short working hours mandated by government ruling so that everyone can attend the event. After all not everyday you get to see a living specimen of controversial species who called themselves Human
The capture of what can be loosely described as a overgrown ape surely ensured some quick excitement but the people with their day to day worries, their trivial insecurities, their phobias, depression would have continued their lives. Dismissing it as probably a scientific experiment gone wrong or some freak example of natural evolution gone wrong. The event would be not more than a mere blip in attention radar if not for a very disturbing detail,  the freak creature captured seems to emulate praying gestures. Instead of typical animal behavior like snarling, baring teeth or showing aggressive behavior.  It seems almost resigned to its fate. The visitors/ security will find it sitting silently in its cell mumbling something under its breadth and almost mistaken for praying to something.
Soon the moniker "the monkey who prays" took off in social media. People were naturally very interested in this strange animal.

Jamwa was really restless today, probably it was the heat. The temperature was rising steadily for last couple of days after extended spell of pleasant weather. Combine that with lack of sleep and you have the recipee for snappy,  irritated and very unpleasant Jamwa.
He had this gnawing feeling for some days now about the much publicized trial.  Surprisingly for person who initially wanted these creatures to be flogged/ executed publically,  He now wanted their affair to be over quickly and quietly.
The icing on the cake is latest communication from the top, it was a routine dossier but the thing that caught his eye was praise for new junior priest apprentice with remark that they wish previous team had handled this situation better not letting it Spiral out of control.
That it was a snide remark aimed at him was no secret, as he was an integral part of the old team, In fact he was still very much in the scheme of things but top authority was keen on heaping praise on new joinee who ironically cannot even take one step without his guidance. His train of thought was interrupted by alarm indicating that it was time to leave for office. He muttered before leaving
"I have taken enough wrong decisions so far in my life. I hope this will be the last wrong decision.
He had just taken one step outside gate when it happened, he heard a growl and the hair on back of his neck started raising; he could feel goosebumps over his face. Off late this reaction leads to anger and frustration in him instead of fear and frustration. He looked around and sure enough,  he could spot a monkey crouching in corner and growling at him. "Damm". He cursed loudly.  Why he has to see an monkey today itself and get an unwanted reminder that he has phobia against monkey,  phobia whose origin he cannot trace as he don't recall ever bitten by monkey. But he is carrying this phobia nonetheless. Even if he feels no fear, the involuntary goosebumps on his face tells him that the phobia is still very much there.
Ditching the office transport, he decided to walk to his office today even though it meant reaching office late thus providing more fodder to his detractors. But Jamwa was beyond caring now. Plus walking always helps to put things in perspective for him. So even at risk of rubbing his boss the wrong way, Jamwa decided to walk  to his office today, hoping that it will help to calm him as usual. Putting his head down, he noticed his feet and can't help but noticed the difference between his limbs and the captured freak animal called human. Their feet looks more like deformed hands meant for climbing trees, that and the lack of fur makes the creature looks like a monstrous. An unwanted result of evolution that should not exist at all. The only fascinating feature of the ape is its hands.It looked nimble and delicate, there were no sharp claws. Also the caged animal keeps wringing his hands whenever Jamwa saws him.
A loud screeching noise broke his chain of thoughts as a pack of birds took off from the cluster of trees planted along the road. They were returning back to their nests with food for their offspring. This cacophony of sounds and furious shadows formed by their silhouettes generally form a calm influence on him and he sometimes wonder that these birds are active during day and sleep in night unlike them. The birds and that caged animal are still active in the day and resting in night which was not the case with them

PS : Above is first draft of book that I'm trying to write. I'm still not decided on the length of the story (whether it will be a short story or longer)

Short Story Idea 1

For quite some time,  I'm thinking about transition from story reader to story teller or story reader. I have been a vociferous reader for many years now and have this fetish about writing a book myself. 
Unfortunately all that I have done till now is to realize that how difficult it is to actually write  a book. One of the main obstacle in this endeavour is to zero in on the central theme or core idea for the book. Going by my reading list or my hobbies.  I like the genre of myth fiction or historical fiction as you would call it; apart from edge of seat thriller and science fiction. The common theme along these genres is that you gain some knowledge along with good read. Also it looks like writing a complete novel is way beyond my league right now due to the volume, Hence I'm much better concentrating on short stories to start.
After spending countless frustrating hours battling the writer's block,  I've unearthed a very novel way to find my story ideas in dreams. It started from a statement made in jest that I can find my story ideas in my dream only, But in my case it turn out to be true also.
I'm not a frequent dreamer as my sleep cycles are very sporadic due to hectic stressful lifestyle. Also I sleep too little. My theory is that I only had dreams when I rest more than 6 hours at least. Most of the time I'm cutting on my sleep time, trying to squeeze in as many things in the window of 24 hours as I can. But once in Blue moon: I do get dreams. Here again most of the times these dreams are like a blur and not coherent at all. I have also read somewhere that you can't remember how your dream starts. But there are some instances where I had a dream which seems like nice , interesting premise for a story. It gives a vague outline around a start can be woven together. Hence I had this idea of building a short story around the dreams I had.
So without any further ado, here is the last dream that I had.
The main protagonists were a new race of human-buffalo hybrid. Adapting it in story form, Probably it's a dystopian story set in future or any alternate universe. Where evolution has taken a separate path resulting into this race. I could foresee some problems in taking this story further.  The first and foremost being that I had this dream long time back and now I don't remember much except the premise described above. I have a vague recollection that It also involves about some kind of sorcery.
One chain of thought also shows this race being slave of humans, although I understand this will be contradictory to overall concept
But all in all I find it interesting chain of thought that instead of humans or ape, some other species could have evolve to be on top of food chain.
As I have already confessed my liking for myth fiction genre, I also think if I can spin off the tail of Goddess slaying Mahishasur at another angle.  Though I understand it can be bit controversial.
But the overall idea looks promising enough to give it a try.
Writing a book is a big endeavour. I feel even writing a small story also requires a reading list of 3-4 books to get the trustworthy reference material. One of such book (Sapiens) is already is next in line in my reading list. Plus I have been regular reader of Science fiction series by Douglas E Richards who has touched down this series of questioning quite a few times in his books.
Now that I'm thinking on those line, I do remember another classic book called time traveller where author has envisaged human species splitting into two distinct species in future. Although that book has lot of socialist and communist undertones. Still it was an engaging read. I will glance through that book as well.
It seems like, I will have a longer reading list than writing assignments.
In fact I can wait to get started on this book at the earliest. I'm wondering how will the opening paragraph of this story will look like. Will it give idea about the time frame i.e. year in future.
One learning from toastmasters that I still carry till today is that opening line or opening paragraph of any speech / story is the something which hooks the reader instantly. I still remember some of the opening lines of impactful stories. I hope my first story will do some justice to them !

PS : My 8 years old daughter has also shown interest in writing stories. Though I can't be any more prouder seeing that my daughter is discovering the joy of  reading and writing. I feel that I have all the more responsibility now to stop procrastinating any further on writing my first book.

My experiment with Job searching

Job searching, the ubiquitous constant in my life from last 14 years. Being unhappy from job has been my constant frame of mind now. The novelty of new job wears off as soon as few months. In fact in my case it has been as low as few days. Which happened in my current job only. I realised in two days after my joining only that I have made a mistake. In the hindsight that was around 3 years back. The situation is definitely better now. Looks like the worst has passed now. Or you can say that I have accustomed to the situation now. Have built a nice cocoon around myself
Though I'm obdurate in sticking to the same job. The realisation do creep in underlining the precariousness of my situation. Though I had my eyes and ears open for any opportunity for the whole time. The main impetus comes last year after February when I completed two years in my current job. I felt its sufficient time not to be branded as frequent job hopper. Plus when you see only stagnation in your carrier ahead and your salary is plateaued. Then its time to renew the job searching. 
In past year, there are few opportunities created by me which are pretty serious options. To my bad luck, I could not convert any of them. It was very depressing to fail having come so close to desired outcome. In fact in one of the opportunity, the discussion was going on well into this year also and very recently (few days ago) it concluded not in my favour due to target salary very low on their part. In fact my mood-swings are like an YoYo right now. Swinging between stable frame of mind and utter despair. Time and again I had to remind myself that financial growth and monetary considerations are very high on my priority list right now. All the struggles and sacrifices that I have made is just to earn more money. And hence it was very natural on my part to reject the offer letter with minuscule salary increase. 
My effort over the course of last year was a huge improvement over the low bar set by me , when it comes of job change / interview. Last year I actually actively reached out to my network to find out if they have any suitable job opportunity. There were many communications which were awkward for me to initiate but I nonetheless stuck to it. I had good exposure to telephonic and physical interview and faced my share of difficult questions. I reached out to my ex bosses, Some of them very difficult to get along-with whom I was not very keep to talk to even in my previous company. I reached out to my ex colleagues whom I have not had any discussion in years. I faced difficult , dreaded questions on my ability (since I was applying for difficult profile). And I took lot of leaves (some at very short notice) to attend the interview. Even though everything was not hunky dory. I have to request to postpone some of the interview, as it was not possible for me to take leave at such a short notice. Or something very urgent was planned on that very day. Or I was not in station on that very day. I had enough evidence to point out this has cost me on more than one occasion. I distinctly remember one job opportunity wherein I could not attend the interview on said dates due to some urgency. And the rescheduling call never came after that. Later on I came to know that one of my ex-colleagues is selected for that role.
The efforts are going on this year too to change the job. I do feel depressed and frustrated some time. But fortunately those instances of brooding are few and far in between. Most of the time I concentrate more on creating new opportunity which helps in keeping me away from depression. I still some discussion going on regarding the opportunity. 
Another alternate I"m mulling over for quite some time now is to be an entrepreneur. Which seems like a final resort to come out of the vicious circle. There have been many complication regarding the financial risk attached considered EMI stress. Plus I'm unable to draft a plan or strategy regarding how I will go about staring my own business. 
The third and most important spoke in this wheel is regarding updating yourself with new knowledge, skill or certification. This is like the elephant in the room that I don't want to acknowledge. I do try to convince myself with excuses like amount of overwork. type of profile, long commute to work leaving very little time for anything else. But the harsh truth remains that I'm not adding any appreciable value to myself. I'm not making investment of myself which is going to help me in long term. I have identified many areas for personal and professional enrichment but the progress on the goals is conspicuous by its absence.
Perhaps this (and not my current job) is the primary reason for my frequent bouts of depression. My experience with my previous job (when I had lot more time) and a brief glance over my schedule on vacations / leaves (when again I'm not so busy), tell me that its more a case of lack of willpower than lack to time. In my current job also, I have identified one area where I want to gain professional expertise (simulation). I had the tools (software) and knowledge resource (Internet). But still not able to make any real progress. 
While I'm pretty regular now on seeking for new job opportunities and the dismal result are not due to lack of trying on my part. My failure to learning new skills is more worry-some.

2019

That time is here again. The time when positivism without any basis is shoved down your throat. When everyone is busy painting rosy picture for the future conveniently ignoring the failures of the past. The time when your phone's gallery is choked with greeting cards, best wishes of success, prosperity, happiness. The time when I write at least one blog post pondering upon the goals / vision and relative progress against the same. The time of New Year. 

I'm writing this blog since 2012 (In fact I just realised that its 7 years now since maintaining the blog). I'm averaging around 8-9 blog posts per year, except for 2014 where I wrote only 4 blog-post. That was until last year only, Last year I posted only two blog posts in totality. Which is shockingly low even by my dismal standards? To put things in perspective, my target was 12 blog-posts this year- which translates into 1 post per month. I wrote one post in January (when I was on track), then second in March (when I was just one month late). And then for last nine months, there was no blog-post. All my momentum went down the drain. In fact, last year was the biggest failure where my goals were totally stalled. Writing the blog post was one of my recurring goals for every year and it was not taking much of effort and time. 

The same can be said about my second goal of reading books. Reading books is one of my favourite pass-time. I could and had practically finished books in one sitting or one night. I hit my peak in 2016 when I read 50 books in one year (I took kindle unlimited subscription for that year). As I was free in 2016 with nothing to do in weekends due to a variety of reasons. I followed that up with 30 books in 2017 and set a target of 20 books for last year. But surprisingly I failed in achieving this goal also. Excited and perhaps complacent by my past records in reading books. I had decided to add a bit of variety this year and venture into some non-fiction and books apart from my stable diet of thriller books. The culmination of all this is that I finished with 12 books only last year.

There were some more goals that I listed last year like participating in half marathon, writing my own book. These were not even touched last year.

One of the resolutions made by me last year was that I will not set any goal again if I cannot achieve these goals. I'm maintaining this blog since 2012 (as stated earlier too) and writing one blog on New Year Resolutions (with bells and whistles) since 2015. For last 4 year, I have been trying different takes on motivating myself and convince myself against all proofs that coming year will be different from the one gone by. 

Hence from this year 2019, there will be no new goals anymore. Its more imperative to get to the root of the failure against new year resolutions that creating more resolutions. One of the while elephants in the room that nobody wants to talk about is time for reflection in my daily schedule or the lack of it. For majority of last year, I did not even have enough time to sleep, let alone finding time for anything else.

Proper time management is one thing I need to work upon, however cliché that may sound. The first and foremost thing is to take out slice of time out of 24 hours which currently seems impossible with my job. Changing the job should have been my first goal / resolution from last 2 - 3 years. But I have been afraid to put this explicitly in the list. Even though I'm working continuously for better job. Well its high time I take the bull by the horn and decide that I will be changing my job this year for better salary and better work-life balance. Last year I had two or three serious opportunity to change over but unfortunately could not realise any. Currently also one serious opportunity is under discussion and hopefully I could achieve one major landmark at staring of year itself. Keeping fingers crossed for now.

The second and equally important part is to work on the willpower so that I don't waste the tiny sliver of idle time available in jam packed schedule. I have been guilty of this in past. Wasting time. 

That's all for now. It’s the first few days of the New Year. I'm lucky to have bunch of leaves around near year time. I'm on leave since 29 December. That makes it 5 days on a trot. I feel well rested now. And hopefully will start the new year on high note. And maintain the momentum.